Thursday, May 28, 2015

hard times

The past three months have been some of the best and worst days of my life. 

After trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half, I finally got a positive at-home pregnancy test result on March 31st. 

I went in to see my doctor for my first appointment at 8 weeks to confirm the pregnancy, and got to hear the sweetest little heartbeat inside of me and see my little peanut on the monitor. Life was so good. My doctor said everything looked great and to see her back at 12 weeks.

At about week 10 Daniel and I couldn't contain the excitement any longer and started telling most of our family and close friends. 

Then yesterday at my 12 week checkup, we watched the monitor as my doctor searched for our little baby, and finally told us it looked like our little peanut hadn't grown much since our last appointment. There was no heartbeat. My heart dropped and the tears started flowing. Daniel had to go sit down because he said he felt like he was going to faint.

It was literally the worst feeling in the world. Being so excited about something, and having so many plans for the future, then for everything to change. We planned on bringing home our little angel from heaven to meet our friends and family at Christmas time, but things change and life happens. 

It's so hard to be able to understand why this happened to us...after trying for so long to get pregnant. But I KNOW Heavenly Father has a plan for me and our family. I know I need to have faith that I'll get pregnant again on His timing, and that this is really just a trial of my faith. A set back in our lives that we can come back from even stronger. 

We came home and held each other and cried together. Daniel said a prayer that we would have comfort in this hard time. I'm grateful to have such a strong, supportive and spiritual man as my husband. I can't imagine going through this with anyone else.

It's hard to think about starting on the long road ahead of trying to get pregnant. Again. But we won't give up and we won't lose faith. 

This morning I woke up and I almost forgot what had happened. And then it hit me. Hard. I still have this tiny baby inside of me and I have to decide if I want to undergo surgery or take medication to release everything and let my body heal and reset.  It's going to take a while for me to heal emotionally, but I just hope by body can physically heal quickly.

I'm thankful for the support of my sweet family and friends. I don't feel like I have the strength to go back and tell everyone who we already told that things have changed. My dad called me yesterday in tears, asking if I wanted him to tell our family members. I'm so glad he was willing to do that for me. Although I don't know how he did it. I've received so many calls/messages/texts/emails.  Paige brought over flowers and a card, a candle, and Swig cookies (she gets me).  Some of my best friends also sent me a gorgeous flower arrangement from California. I feel everyone's love and know I have so many people behind me.  

Paige is pregnant too. We were going to announce it on our blog together once she gets a little bit further along (she was about 5 weeks behind me). It was the perfect, unplanned situation. But I'm still so so happy for her and so excited to me an aunt. My chance to be a mother is coming. I know it. 

Monday, May 18, 2015

She's Home!

After a looong awaited 18 months, my little sister and best friend is BACK from Indonesia! Each week I updated the blog I made for her with her weekly email/pictures. Check it out HERE to read some amazing stories about how she served the people of Indonesia and helped them come unto Christ. 

Paige and I flew in to San Diego on Tuesday night, and on Wednesday morning a group of us greeted Sid at the airport when she flew in. It was the best!

We all yelled as she walked through the doors, and she just started bawling. We were not planning on getting emotional, but she made everyone cry! It was the best.

(she's going to kill me, but it's just so cute!)

She is the same old crazy Sid, just a little nicer and a lot more spiritual haha. But still the same.  We only got to see her over Skype 4 times over the 18 months she was out...Christmas and Mother's Day. After hearing some of the stories about her living conditions, and just the mission in general, I know I would have NEVER lasted out there. She didn't tell us even HALF of the crazy stuff she went through until after she got home. She was sick for most of her mission from eating off the streets (she's still throwing up everything she eats), had giant rats the size of cats living in her various apartments/houses, as well as cochroaches (she said one time she lifted up her mattress to find a kingdom of roaches), got two cameras stolen, has blisters all over her feet, etc, etc. She also came home with almost none of her clothes because she said she "gave them all away to the people who had nothing." She is so incredible and one of my biggest role models. I'm seriously so proud of her! And it's so fun having her back.

My trip down to ca was spent pampering Sid basically, haha. My mom had made her doctors and dentist appointments, and a hair appointment, then we got manis/pedis and went shopping! On Saturday we went to Disneyland to celebrate Summie's birthday...

It was so fun having Sid there of course!


It was one of my favorite trips down to San Diego for sure. Daniel and I are going back on Thursday for Memorial weekend and to hear Sid speak about her mission in church.