Tuesday, June 9, 2015

No Problem Too Big

I am seriously so overwhelmed with the love and support Daniel and I are STILL receiving from family and friends. We really would not have been able to get through this trial without all of the support from everyone.

Yesterday I got the mail and found this picture frame with the perfect quote in it sent from my cousin and his sweet wife. It was totally unnecessary for them to send anything, but they did and it meant the world to me. It made me cry. 

There was also a card from one of mine and Daniels old high school friends. I honestly don't even know how she heard about the miscarriage, because I hadn't even told a lot of people besides family that we were pregnant, but she still went out of her way to send a sweet card and it really meant a lot. 

Even the hospital sent me a handwritten card signed with a note from each of the doctors and nurses who had a part in my surgery. I'm sure that's something standard they do, but it was still so sweet. 

I'm still healing emotionally from everything, but my body is feeling (almost) back to normal. I try not to let myself think like this, but it often seems like it's not fair that this happened to me, of all the people in my life who are pregnant right now. I would NEVER wish this upon anyone, but I just wonder WHY did this happen to me?!

I may not ever fully understand it, but I know there's a reason for it, and I know we just need to continue to trust in the Lord. That's easy to say, but it's still sometimes hard.

The video I posted at the end of this post has been such a blessing in my life over the past couple of weeks. I'm not signed up to receive any kind of emails from LDS.org, and I never get videos or emails from there, but the day after my miscarriage, Daniel and I both got an email sent from the church with the subject, "No Problem Too Big" and that video was attached. It was a huge miracle, and just what I needed to hear.  I asked my parents if they received the same video, and they didn't until the next day. Heavenly Father must have known that Daniel and I needed to hear those words, right at that time. I've literally watched that video every single day since I got it. Anytime I'm feeling sad, alone, or empty I watch it and remember that I am never alone.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Moving on

On Monday morning I had my surgery to remove the baby. I felt good about the decision I made to have it. Nothing was happening and I just wanted my body to start to heal so that I could begin to heal emotionally.  

The surgery went really well. I cried going in to the operating room, and cried when I got back in to the recovery room where Daniel was waiting for me. He was there with me the entire time, and I'm so grateful for that. Sid came the night before the surgery and is staying with Daniel and I this week. Daniel brought me home after the surgery and then went to work (after getting me an Acai bowl - he is the best), and Sid stayed home with me the rest of the day. I was so happy to have her!

I'm feeling good about everything now. After I found out I lost the baby, I was super discouraged because I feel like Daniel and I have been doing the same thing, living in the same place, without much change for SO long. A baby was the perfect next step in our lives and just the addition we needed. Then I had the miscarriage and I felt so stuck in our same routine, and felt like we weren't progressing and didn't have anything to look forward to (I'm talking like in the near future...I know we'll have babies soon and have a great life ahead to look forward to). 

We've talked about buying a home for a long time, but have never seriously looked into it because we felt like we had such a great deal living in the apartment I manage for free. Then when I found out I was pregnant it just made sense to stay a while longer since a baby would add a whole new range of expenses to our budget. 

But now it feels like the right time. It feels like the next step we need to take in our lives. And then hopefully we can fill all of the rooms with babies down the road ;)

Today we found out we were pre-approved for a home loan that would allow us to buy/build the house we want. We found an area we LOVE and are going to take the next steps towards becoming home owners! I'm excited and really hope it all works out. Yes, we're going to buy in Utah. And yes, we still REALLY want to move to California. And we WILL. In time. But the home we could buy here compared to what we would get in California is a HUGE difference. And our lives are here right now. So we'll be here for a few years longer it looks like. 

I'm happy to be moving on with my life. I know this miscarriage is something Daniel and I needed to go through for reasons I may not understand. I can already see some positive things that have come from this trial in our lives. Our marriage has become a little stronger. My faith in the gospel and the atonement of Jesus Christ has grown. And I've learned just how much I loved and will love our future children when we do become parents. 

I know it's hard to tell, but that tiny little gummy bear below was our baby at 8 weeks <3

Here's to moving on and good things to come.